Today I want to write about my faith.

Today I want to write about my faith. I try not to dig too terribly deep into that part of my life on my blog so that readers won’t feel like I’m preaching at them or trying to convert them. If there’s anything that really irks me about my religion – it’s that type of evangelism that becomes all about the numbers. It’s that type of sharing where you go to walk among the poor, put on a passion drama, pass out bibles and offer to pray the ‘sinner’s prayer’ with all the lost souls in the crowd – and then you move on to the next cardboard village. I think of bringing someone to Christ as more than sharing the good news but forming relationships and above all maintaining them. So – a disclaimer. My apologies to anyone reading this who feels as though I’m not opening up a fair conversation because I’m going to write about Christians, and refer to ‘we’ – the body of believers aka the church, etc. If you choose not to read on, that’s your choice and I respect it. However, my faith is important to me and I can’t pretend that part of my life doesn’t exist just to avoid any awkwardness. I value honesty and I’ve been trying to write that way, despite how scary it is to do so, and today I want to honestly talk about my faith.

Now…on to the honest-faith-talk. I came across another journal entry today and it really put this subject on my heart. So…here’s the entry:

“December 9^th, 2012

Today is a terrible day.  Lately everything has been terrible.  I have dug myself into such a dark place and I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of it; today I don’t feel like I even want to.  I just want to cloak myself with it, hide from the world, and be left alone.  What really set me off today wasn’t the spontaneous family portrait (which we were only told about last minute, which made me late in getting ready, which made us miss church and will make us miss lunch with my family…..) I guess I didn’t get up early enough. I’m more mad at myself than anyone else. I don’t know why I set off like I did. I wish little things like that didn’t stress me out like they do. A spontaneous family picture and I lose it. What’s wrong with me?

What really set me off, I think, were those stretch marks on my hips that I saw last night.  I keep thinking that I’m doing okay with my weight.  I’m not losing but I’m not gaining either.  NOT TRUE!  Apparently I am doing nothing but gaining.  It must be true if I’m getting stretch marks.  Then I tested it.  My favourite skirt doesn’t fit.  I worked so hard to fit into that skirt and now it doesn’t fit.  I feel disgusted with myself.  I guesstimate that at my least I weighed 130 lbs and now I must weigh about 160 lbs.  That’s 30 lbs!  How am I going to get rid of that weight?  I feel so ugly. I guess there’s nothing anyone can do about that.  If it’s ugly, it’s ugly. Yesterday I noticed how incredibly thin my hair was.  I’ve always known but yesterday it was undeniable.  Am I losing hair?  It almost seems like it.  What if I go bald one day from stress and aging? I don’t know if I could handle that. I’m too insecure and vain. I wish I could like myself.  I wish I could believe my husband when he calls me beautiful…but I don’t feel beautiful…not on the outside or the inside.  I feel repulsive…and ashamed to have lost my way like this.

I wonder if God will forgive me for feeling these things. I wonder if God will punish me for feeling these things. I wonder if I did something so terribly wrong that all of these things have been punishment. My whole life has been so messy and I feel like the damage I’ve suffered is irreparable. I feel like a lost cause, wasted space, a wasted life. Is it too late to change? Is it too late to make my life worth living? Is it too late to save my soul? Have I made a chain so long and heavy that I sit here damned, like Ebeneezer Scrooge? How does a person become saved? How do I get out of this rut? How do I find the light in the darkness? Jesus seems like such a simple answer but He’s not always easy to find. God is so big and yet so far way; untouchable. I don’t even know who God is anymore. It’s no wonder I don’t know who I am, not knowing who my creator is. I can’t help but wonder if things will ever get better. It sounds pathetic and pessimistic but I’m so tired of riding this roller coaster. Will things ever be consistent? Will good ever stick around for a while? It’s so hard not to envy people who seem to have it all. What do they do to deserve a life like that? How can I be worthy of a life like that? I would be so grateful, but I know I’m not meant for anything but struggling. It seems to be my purpose, to struggle. Maybe I’m meant to be an example to others; inspiration, show them what it looks like when everything goes wrong.

I wish I could feel some hope, but I don’t. How can I when all I know is the darkness? After all, I don’t really know that I’ve ever caught more than a glimpse of the light.”

Reading this today really made me feel broken-hearted, but not for myself – for God. There’s a passage in the book of Psalms (Chapter 139) where the writer (David) is expressing wonder and awe at how God knows each of us intimately. “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar…Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it…For you formed my innermost parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” He also writes in thankfulness for how God watches over us – there is no escaping His touch or His love. “Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to Heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” What a beautiful Psalm. It’s one of my favourites – but not just because of how it reminds me that I am special, loved, and full of promise and purpose. It’s because of what David writes later, “How precious are your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.” David gets a little intense from that point on but it reminds me that above all else, my loyalty needs to reside with my King and my God. David pleads with God at the end of his Psalm asking, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous ways in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

As human beings, we tend to doubt a lot. We doubt our value, we doubt our purpose, we doubt that tomorrow could bring with it any more joy or light because it would only be overshadowed by the darkness of today. As Christians, we tend to feel really guilty about that, or at least I do. I often feel like thinking the things I do and feeling the things I do might land me a one-way ticket to the Underworld. I should rest assured, and so should you, that God loves you so much more than that. You mean too much to Him for Him to let you go that easily, and God is constant, not fickle – like many around us are. Relationships here on earth may come and go but God is always with us. There is nowhere we can hide from Him, no matter how hard we try or no matter how hard we push Him away – because God knows us better than we know ourselves. After all, He created us; every tiny little detail is something that He put there. Often I take for granted how good I really have it. I’m healthy and I’m good-looking and I’m smart and I have talents and passions that I have the ability to pursue. I have family and friends and I have always been provided for. When things have seemed hopeless there has always been a door that has opened somewhere. Something I forget is to switch my focus from myself to someone more important – God. I spend so much time and energy fussing over myself and the details of my life – past, present, and future. While I’m busy doing that I’m forgetting why I’m here in the first place. I forget who gave me life and who is responsible for all the good that I have seen and all the good I have yet to receive. I am so focused on my flaws and all the things that go wrong that I stop caring to acknowledge all the things that go right. I begin denying that good exists so that I can feel justified in my self-pity and covet. And then there is faith. Whether my wake-up call is delivered like a jolt of lightning or a subtle breeze through an open window – you can rest assured it always comes. At the end of each day, regardless of my mistakes and regardless of things good or bad, I have faith that God will give me a chance to do better tomorrow. I have faith that God’s work within me will overpower all else that is inside, and deliver strength and goodness enough that I will in fact do better tomorrow. Faith is tricky because, truth be told, there is no guarantee that things will go as expected. I may screw up again tomorrow, but again I have faith that God will make good of it all and create purpose in it. As we are in constant stages of growth and change, God is in a constant state of creating – breathing new life every day and further knitting together the complex web that we are all a part of. There are many dark days, like my own from my journal entry, where our strength fails us and we feel defeated, hopeless, lost, and even doomed or condemned – but faith…faith is a flame that cannot be snuffed out. Even if we diminish it to an ember it still has the potential to be rekindled. I think that we all have faith in us and we decide what to put it in. I put mine in God and it’s what gets me through the dark days – it’s what fulfills me, gives me purpose, gives me hope, and lights my path. Sometimes it takes me a while to see the light because I allow myself to become blinded by weakness and temptation, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there – and eventually I make my way back and continue on my journey. My walk with God isn’t easy, it isn’t perfect, and honestly it probably isn’t what it should be – but I keep doing what I can in hope that one day it will be. One day I will reach my full potential…one day I will walk as closely and profoundly with God as He intended…and when that day comes, I think I’ll be ready to go home. Until then I live in hope that I’ll have one more day…and one more day after that…and one more day after that. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s all a bit of a mess, but I think most relationships are – and if they weren’t…if they were simple and seamless…well there wouldn’t be much to be passionate about, would there? I’m thankful that I have a faith I can be passionate about and a God I can be passionate about pursuing. Sometimes I need to remember that what looks like a mess to me…God is looking at from above…mingled with everyone else’s messes…and is seeing a masterpiece in action.

So…there you have it. A little bit about me…a little bit about my faith…and maybe, a little bit about you too. If things are messy and seem hopeless, know that you’re not alone.

Mother’s Day

 

I posted something yesterday with the same title and had to delete it a few hours later. It was bitter and dark and I think too many of my posts bear such a tone, even if just in part.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. What should have been my first Mother’s Day well, if you’ve read my blog before you’ll know that after a turn of events last summer, it wasn’t. This past week or so has been really tough. It feels as though every day I’m hearing news of someone else who is pregnant or just had a baby and every time – that news stings. It hurts and prods at the wound in my heart which still has not finished healing. I keep telling myself that I don’t need to be a mom right now – especially if I’m still healing from our loss. I keep telling myself to focus on other goals – like work, losing weight, paying off our student debt, etc. Whatever takes my mind off of this overwhelming desire I have to make us parents. But I’m living a lie.

Truth be told – I would love to be a mommy and to make my husband a daddy. Truth be told – there are many days where I struggle with jealousy and have a hard time being happy for others who are getting what I want so badly. I don’t know if my longing hurts me most or the repercussions of our loss. Often I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if there’s something I could have done to save our child. That guilt is a heavy burden but in the end I know that it isn’t a possibility and there is nothing I could have done to prevent what happened.

In the end I know that our tragedy is not our own – it is a tragedy many excited parents-to-be face, and one day we may be sharing joyous news as those around us are. That day isn’t today, it wasn’t last summer, and it may not be for a long time – and that’s okay. I need to trust that when the right time comes, it will happen for us.

These words give me hope:  ”I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

For all the mommy’s out there – thank you for all you did and do for your children and for your families. To be a mom you must learn to sacrifice everything for the betterment of your family and there is no greater good than to give all you have for another. For all the women out there who were a mommy, regardless of how many weeks or years, but have lost a child – “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26) Know that you are not alone. I am with you – fighting the good fight and keeping the faith – as are many. We are all hoping and waiting together and my pray is that God hears our prayers, acknowledges the desires of our heart, and gives us patience and understanding till we reach the day He answers.

Thursday, May 1st, 2012

 

Today feels like it looks. Looking out the window this morning all I see is GREY – a colour I enjoy overall but not in the sky in the month of May. Grey is a colour that doesn’t exactly give me any motivation to do anything but plant my butt on the couch and mope. Last night I had this weird feeling of panic that I couldn’t shake and I still don’t know WHERE it came from. Last night I also made my sweet hubby upset by complaining about all the things we can’t afford but want (and some things need), and although it is May it was snowing yesterday! Not to mention I keep making this irritable mistakes at work that are small but significant enough that they are noticed, and for some reason are on this cycle where each day I make a different mistake but repeat them all the next week. So – I’m not EXACTLY making the same mistake twice but I’m still not getting things right and it makes me feel VERY frustrated with myself. It’s been a grouchy week for me.

So this morning as I sit and mope, I’ve been sifting through some files in my ‘Writing’ folder on our computer and I stumbled upon a journal entry from this time last year. This is what I wrote…

“There’s something about today that just makes my heart feel warm. Maybe it’s waking up next to the man I love most or the smell of rain in the warm spring air as I went for a jacket-free bike ride. Maybe it’s the colours of the fresh tulips out of mom K’s garden on the coffee table, or the accent of the dark blue sky against the green of the growing grass and plants and leaves. It could be my signature steamed milk which I’m drinking while watching Smash…OR maybe none of these things really matter in and of themselves…maybe it’s just that they remind me how good God is. Today I feel SO BLESSED.”

WOW. Amazing how much things can change from one year to the next, isn’t it? Last year at this time the golf course was open, jackets and boots had been replaced by t-shirts and sandals, and apparently my 2012 self was having a much better week than my 2013 self. Rather than letting this discovery bring on a light drizzle from the thunder cloud that’s been hanging above my head the past few days, I’m going to let it be the first ray of sunshine to pierce the grey. Today I’m going to make it my goal to find sunbeams to hook into that thunder cloud and eventually, once I’ve found enough sunbeams, I’m going to reel in that cloud and let the wind (though it be too cold for my liking) carry it away.

Thursday, May 2nd, 2013

I am a grouch. Just call me Oscar (but please don’t stick me in a trash can, though I have an attitude that is most certainly garbage). Last year, on a Thursday, I had tulips and blues and greens and warm rain and bike rides. Today, on a Thursday, I have clouds and cold and grey and cold and a bad attitude and did I mention I have cold? I wish I had recorded all the bad things I had on this day last year. Maybe I scalded my tongue on my steamed milk, maybe I came back from my bike ride soaked from the rain, maybe I drove through some mud and came back home resembling a skunk, or maybe Jesse and I had some sort of disagreement. Watching Batman (Baatmaan…duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh…BAATMAAN) last night reminded me that there is good and bad in every person, and good and bad in each day BUT, “It is what we do that defines us.” What is it that happened, on a Thursday, last year, that defined my day as good and defined me as blessed? What is it that happened today, on a Thursday, that defined my day as bad and defined me as Oscar-the-Grouch? Maybe it’s a matter of simply counting my blessings and shifting my focus from the pessimist to the optimist. Blessing #1 on Thursday, May 2nd, 2013: The snow from yesterday melted. Blessing #2: I am healthy and headache-free (I often get terrible headaches). Blessing #3: Lunch on the in-laws at our favourite restaurant. Blessing #4: I have a job. Even if I’m not perfect, even if I repeat mistakes, even if learning is sometimes a frustrating process – I have a job. We have more than enough $ to get by because I have a job, and I do not have to return to my go-to summer job in order for us to get by. Blessing #5: I have today. Today is a clean slate. I often take for granted the blessing in each new day because of it’s newness. Each day is a chance to start afresh and what could be more of a blessing than that? Blessing #6: Finding that journal entry, because I wouldn’t be doing this if I hadn’t stumbled across it. Wake-up call! Just what I needed. Thursday, May 2nd, 2013. 6 blessings counted. 1 attitude adjusted. 0 grouches reporting. And it’s only 12:09 P.M. Not bad for a gloomy Thursday morning.

Whether the sun is out where you are or not – catch some sunbeams today!

The Rambler

 

Today has been fairly ‘unproductive’ and ‘average’ thus far. I woke up after a decent night’s sleep with a headache (still waiting for my Tylenol to kick in) spent the past few hours reading up on Amanda Knox and watched the made-for-TV film based on her story (starring Hayden Panettiere) – which is a story I can’t believe I was not aware of before and I will probably continue researching, and now I thought I would write up a short blog post before heading to work.

I have nothing of substance to say today really, or at least not yet. In fact, I’m realizing that lately I have less and less to say, yet somehow words keep coming out. Recently a friend told me that he tried to read my blog posts but he gets about halfway through each post and quits because I ramble too much. I’ve thought about that a lot since. I’ve always been a chatterbox so I don’t usually take it to heart when people tease me about how much I talk, but this time it struck a chord and I’m not sure why.

Every morning my mom sends me a text to share what she came across in her morning devotions. Everything she has shared these past few days has been an ‘a-ha’ moment or a much needed reminder. This week has been full of lessons in patience, generosity in our love for others (especially those we need so desperately but take for granted), self control, and today – taming the tongue. We often forget how a small word can completely change someones attitude that day, for the better or for the worse. My mom referred to a couple of verses in the book of James – 1:26, and 3:3, 5-6. As I checked out the book of James in my own bible, I realized how much awesome wisdom is packed into it! It’s definitely a book I will be reading into in the next little while.

Back to the tongue though – as a rambler, a chatterbox, a talker, a chatty Kathy, or whatever phrase you wish to use to describe a person like me – I don’t really think about what comes out of my mouth as often as I should. I often try to fill up moments of silence with useless words, without substance, rather than using that time for something of worth. That isn’t to say I don’t have a lot of great conversations, because I do. I love to catch up with family and friends, I love to goof off with my husband, and I love to sit down and have conversations with others about our world and what’s going on in it and about faith and many other things. There are times however when I tease instead of encourage or affirm, there are times when I remain silent when I should say something, there are times when I say things I don’t mean but can’t take back – in moments of anger or frustration or stubbornness – and that kind of sucks, doesn’t it? Of course, we all have those moments, but wouldn’t it be great if we tried to tame our tongue – to hold it when we should stay silent and to use it when God puts the right words on our hearts? Instead we let our minds become clouded and we use our words carelessly, or at least I do. I just can’t stop thinking about that comment my friend made and I can’t help but wonder, do my words matter? Is God putting things on my heart and instead of sharing them, am I letting the fog disorient me to the point that I am no longer headed in the right direction? Am I letting the fog become so dense that I can no longer see the lamp God has set before me to light my path? I look around and I realize how much junk is in my life. My house is more untidy than tidy and I don’t remember the last time I vacuumed the carpet and I don’t think I’ve ever scrubbed the tile on the floor and given it a good going over. Our shelves are full of books and movies that I’ve never read or seen and I generally see my bible on Sunday mornings only. My blog sits here untouched until the guilt I feel over letting it sit untouched becomes too aggravating to ignore, so I sit down and I write something – whatever comes to mind. I have a training schedule on my calendar for the 5K I registered for, coming up this July, but I haven’t been able to check off a single day of training. The irony I find is truly something I don’t know how to react to – do I laugh or do I hang my head in shame or do I simply just cry? Here I am, surrounded by a mess – the product of my laziness and passive lifestyle – a clear reflection of the current state of my heart and my walk with God. Meanwhile, my tongue is running wild, non-stop, every hour that I’m awake, and what about? The weather, my day at work, the latest episode of Mad Men, the book I’m reading right now, some random fact I read that day, or something neat I found on Pinterest – nothing of substance, nothing that glorifies my God, nothing that matters. What a wake-up call! Here I am, watching my life go by from day to day, and not really living it at all!  I waste my time sleeping in, watching movies, and eating, then I go to work, then I come home and eat and watch another movie and go to bed. What am I doing to give generous love to my husband? What am I doing to be a true friend to those I am honoured to call my friends? What am I doing to glorify God and to dig deeper in our walk together? What am I talking about that really matters? What am I doing that really matters?

James 2:14-26 is a lesson on faith and it teaches us that faith without works is dead. Recently my friend – the very same friend who told me I ramble too much – preached his very first sermon! Jesse and I were of course there to listen and to be a support to him on that special day. He did a wonderful job and we could not have been more proud! He spoke about passion and how it is more than a feeling, it is an action. He boldly pointed out how the church has lost its passion and believers and non-believers alike are turning away from the church because we are not sustaining or inspiring passion. He asked us why we are not more bothered by that fact – and I say fact because he referred to numerous statistics which supported his theory. Certainly what I learned that morning bothered me, but I went home and forgot about it. Keith Green wrote a song called ‘Asleep in the Light’ and from the moment I stumbled upon it it has been precious to me, yet here I stand truly asleep in the light. I am so blessed – with a life rich in love and comfort and opportunity, yet I do not live as though I am. I am discontented with my life and I often think to myself that it’s because of what I was ‘cursed’ with – a naturally low metabolism but great love of food, over-sensitivity and low self-esteem, enough money to get by but not enough to enjoy holidays or a house of our own or a pet or other things we would like to have but can’t., and the list goes on. I sit and stew over what others are receiving and I am not. There are days I am so overcome by envy and covet that my heart actually aches as I think about how unfair it is that others are skinnier, prettier, wealthier, smarter, luckier, etc. How cruel of me to point the finger – indirectly or not – at God, who is the source of my blessings and in trial, my source of hope and strength and ultimately, my salvation.  When will I stop saying, “it’s good but not good enough” and start saying, “thank-you for all you have given me, thank-you for being more than enough for me, and please give me a generous heart that I may live passionately and activate my faith by living for you and not for myself?” When will I choose passion over passiveness? When will I choose gratitude over jealousy? When will I stop wasting the gift of each new day and start living each day to the fullest? When will I stop choosing the world and start choosing God? When will I stop living for today and living for tomorrow?

Today I would love to hear YOUR words. What keeps you passionate? What keeps you strong? What keeps you content and thankful? What keeps you living each day to the fullest? Or even, what’s on your mind today? What’s on your heart today? Is there something you would like me to write about in the future – a topic, a question you have, anything?

Now – before I ramble any longer! –  thanks for reading and be blessed!

The Haairy…Scaary…Monster!

 

Fear – seldom do we share with others the things that haunt us, terrify us, or that stir up feelings of anxiousness and jitters. Sometimes we’re ashamed of what we fear because it seems silly or strange. Sometimes we’re scared that if we voice our fears somehow it will make them more real or beckon what we fear to come and torment us. And sometimes our fears stem from our pasts and to allow those memories to resurface is just too painful. For whatever reason, we like to keep our phobias secret; known only to ourselves and under lock and key. I’ve been thinking about fear a lot lately because it’s something that has always crippled me. Fear, I think, is my greatest weakness and the list of things that scare me is pathetically long. So I began looking up some quotes on fear.

When I need inspiration or encouragement I like to dig into a few things but I especially like to study these two: 1) literature and 2) my bible. Between the greatest minds of the past and present and the living word of my God I always find the words I need to hear. Granted, sometimes it takes a few hours but I enjoy the time I spend in study and meditation. And I am especially blessed in the personal time that God and I spend together, though admittedly it isn’t half as frequent as it should be – the product of another weakness of mine; perhaps one I’ll explore on a later date, but for now back to fear. As I explored my fears, their depths and causes, and considered the advice of many voices; I came to the conclusion that the first step to conquering our fears is owning them. Just as in cases of addiction and certain disorders, embracing your issues as your own and admitting they exist is the first step towards positive change. That’s precisely what I want to do today. I want to share with you, without shame or regret, my top 10 fears – some are big and some are small, but they’re mine and have played roles in my life regardless of their ‘potency’. You may find some of my fears are similar to yours, you may find some of them comical, and you may find some of them strange – but my hope is that my sharing may spark some inspiration within, that you may too begin to confront some of your own monsters and battle them till they are conquered. With each fear I address I have included some quotes that I came across in my research and I will conclude each portion with a bible verse that has been a beacon of hope to me in some of my life’s most trying moments.

1.) “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” – C.S. Lewis, “Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.” – Jim Morrison

My Fear: Allowing myself to feel negative emotions, for fear that it will send me on a downward spiral. There is darkness inside me and I think it’s always been there. In that darkness is profound sadness that I cannot explain. I have lived through times where I allowed that darkness to swallow me up whole. I let it cover me and suffocate me and create a barrier that would separate me from the people I love and the things I love. I allowed it to numb me so that my light had gone out and I felt as though I was hardly living. I truly felt like I was wandering through each day as an empty shell. Thankfully, God has always broken through the void and led me out to to the light. However, any time that I feel sad or stressed I am horrified that it may be the beginning of another journey down that road, a road I hope, that has seen the last of me.

“Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

2.) “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson, “We’re taught to be ashamed of confusion, anger, fear, and sadness, and to me they’re of equal value to happiness, excitement and inspiration.” – Alanis Morissette

My Fear: Letting people down. I am always terrified that I will offend someone or won’t manage to please someone. I believe that God has given me the gift of service and nurturing – my heart has a passion for caring for people in my life and giving aid to those who need it. This is the reason I have always loved the jobs I have had where I get to be the gopher. I enjoy, so much, being a part of a team and being a component of the glue that holds that team together. However, being a perfectionist I aim for goals I know to be unattainable. And being sensitive I always assume that I am the cause of whatever problems, common or uncommon, may arise – regardless of where or when or how possible it is that I could be an instigator in the situation. The result of these things combined is that I have become a push-over. I can’t say no to anyone! Today a co-worker asked me if I was going to finish my leftovers from lunch and when I instinctively said “oh yeah!” I was immediately stung with a feeling of terrible guilt! A mental tug-of-war followed after which I nearly offered her my food, despite the fact that my stomach was growling! Far too often do I let my fear of disappointing people steal my joy. Joy which is mine in the name of Jesus!

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” – 1 Peter 1:8-9

3.) “Faith activates God – Fear activates the enemy.” – Joel Osteen, “And the things that we fear are a weapon to be held against us.” – Ian Rush

My Fear: Satan. That’s right. I am terrified of Satan. And any supernatural/spiritual phenomenon really! Since I was a child I have been haunted by horrific nightmares which have sometimes been accompanied by voices after I awake or visions of shadows coming alive in my dark bedroom or even very real visions in broad daylight. I have had countless nightmares where Satan has been haunting me and stalking me and I wake up in the middle of sending the evil away in Jesus name and I can’t finish the sentence! The cat always catches my tongue and I lay there sweating and shaking and crying, praying for the dawn to come soon. There have been times where I have woken up and heard the voice from my dream still taunting me and sometimes I have felt things. Whether it be an icy cold pain running down my leg or the feeling of breath on my neck. I know full well that my imagination is considerably over-active and that my mind loves to play tricks on me. BUT – sometimes, sometimes I know it’s more than that. There’s this feeling I get that I can’t put into words, but when I feel it – I know. I’m sitting here typing this and I have the jitters! I used to watch scary movies with friends – something any teenager or college student loves to do. It’s a great excuse to snuggle up with that cute boy (or girl) beside you, right? WRONG! If you can handle it – enjoy. I am still haunted by scary movies I have seen literally YEARS ago. I have had to walk out of parties to hide the tears inflicted by how terrified the content has made me. Though I know I am free from evil and the powers of this world, I fear. Call me a ‘Doubting Thomas’ but I just can’t shake this overwhelming fear I have of the forces of evil. One day I hope to doubt no more and remain strong and courageous in the face of the demons that haunt me, but until that day I remain a scaredy-cat.

“I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

4.) “Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” – Karl Augustus Menninger

My Fear: Mirrors. I can remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was 8 years old and in the third grade. I was wearing leggings and a sweater, as was the popular fashion trend of the time, and it was the end of the school day – back then we began our day with ‘O Canada’, followed by the ‘Lords Prayer’ and ended the day with ‘God Save the Queen.’ As we were singing I looked down at my feet and I remember oh so clearly that I was suddenly struck with this feeling of shame by what I considered to be my Buddha belly. I glanced at a few girls in my class and saw that they were much thinner than I was – or so I thought. Since then food has been my mortal enemy. I love food. I love food SO much. And not just healthy food, I love junk food too. A LOT! And I like LOTS of food. I eat seconds and sometimes I’ll eat thirds. I’ll have dessert and I’ll enjoy a late night snack if I so desire. However, my bad habits (and my DNA) have made my weight a life-long issue. It constantly fluctuates and I constantly feel bad about myself. I compare myself to others and to the ideals society upholds and I realize – I never measure up. There are days where I think to myself, “I’m doomed to be the chunky girl for the rest of my life. Kinda cute, and kinda funny, and kinda okay to hang around but in pictures I’ll be the fat one.” My low self-esteem has often put me in bad moods that have resulted in arguments which never should have happened, ruined moments that I have should have been enjoying, and prevented me from joining in on a lot of activities because I was worried about how I would look as I sat or stood or ran or jumped or laughed or talked or even breathed. I hope that one day I will begin healthier eating habits and an exercising routine, and be able to reach and manage a healthy weight – but until then I need to constantly remind myself that others don’t see me as ‘the fat girl’ and even if they did they wouldn’t care. If they know me and care about me, they love me for who I am – no matter how many pounds I weigh. I should love myself too – just as I am. Granted, knowing these things and believing them in your heart are two very different things. I continue to struggle with my self-esteem but I think I am making improvements – slowly but surely. I don’t want to live my life paralyzed by the fear of seeing myself or being seen by others, because let’s be honest – that’s no life at all.

“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” – Philippians 4:8

5.) “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt, “I think what weakens people most is the fear of wasting their strength.” – Etty Hillesum

My Fear: SNAKES! I can’t even handle looking at a picture of one. I will immediately look away or cover my eyes. People who know I have this fear will laugh at me as I curl in a ball and cover my eyes but they also let me know when the image is gone from the TV screen or the picture is gone from the PowerPoint or whatever the case may be. Even the word makes me cringe. Ironically I have never looked at one ‘in the flesh’ – not that they really have any – YUCK! I have been past a couple at the Zoo and at an Aquarium but I literally RAN past so I wouldn’t have to look at them. Even knowing that I’m in the same building as one gives me the creepie-crawlies. (I just barely put my feet up on the couch as I began sharing this fear – because you can’t be too careful!)

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” – Matthew 10:28

6.) “In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Fear: Spiders. I thought, while we were on the topic of creepie-crawlies I would get this one out of the way. When I was younger I made a habit of vacuuming in high heels – just in case there was a spider hiding in a dusty corner somewhere. I quickly discovered the impracticality of this habit as my high heels grew taller as I grew older, and I now wear shoes or boots when I vacuum. Again, I can’t look at a picture or a video of one without cringing, lifting my feet up off of the ground, and shutting my eyes tightly. My obsession with Harry Potter makes dealing with these past two fears rather difficult but I have somehow learned to, for the most part, conquer these fears while enjoying my HP. Though I confess, there are times when Nagini slithers across the screen or Aragog gets a close-up that I find myself looking away until the moment passes.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,. for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

7.) “Courage is resitance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.” – Mark Twain, “I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

My Fear: My house burning down. I don’t know why this is a fear of mine because I have never experienced something like that. Nonetheless, there is a nagging fear in the back of my mind that is ever so worried that all my dearest possessions will be lost forever. In the back of my mind, every time I hear a fire engines siren go off I panic for a moment, thinking, “My house! My stuff! My wedding dress, my piano, our wedding album, our movies, our clothes, I can’t replace all of that!”. I try to remind myself that one day all of those things will be gone anyway and that I can’t take any of it with me to heaven, but that doesn’t change that at the present time they are still treasured items to me and at the present time irreplaceable.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” – Matthew 6:19-21

8.) “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” – Dale Carnegie

My Fear: Living an inadequate life. Though I know salvation is mine by the grace and mercy of God, and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I often doubt that this is possible. I feel as though I’m not good enough, not worthy enough, and not deserving enough. I fear that I have not and nor can I ever do enough in this lifetime to be good enough to gain entry through  heavens gates. I fear that when I am gone I will have left nothing behind of substance. I fear that I will go through this life never fulfilling my purpose or truly putting good into this world. Don’t get me wrong, not every day is like this and I do not feel like this all the time. However, there are certainly very real moments and phases where I doubt, though I know I shouldn’t and needn’t. Again, something to continue working on and praying about.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” – 2 Timothy 4:7

9.) “Our heavenly Father understands our disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt. He is always there to encourage our hearts and help us understand that He’s sufficient for all of our needs. When I accepted this as an absolute truth in my life, I found that my worrying stopped.” – Charles Stanley

My Fear: Clowns. I am horrified of clowns. I see them and my heart pounds, the blood rushes to my head, my stomach drops to my knees, and I begin sweating and shaking. There’s nothing I can even put my finger on that I dislike about them so much. Maybe it’s the idea of not knowing what their face looks like underneath all that make-up. Maybe it’s an experience or nightmare I had as a child that has stuck with me in my subconscious and is triggered every time I see a clown. Honestly, I don’t have a clue. Regardless, I can’t stand them. If I find myself near one I will be doing everything I can to avoid eye contact, the decreasing of the space between us, and any contact whatsoever. Generally I just run in the opposite direction. This also holds true for mascots. I think they kind of go in the same category, so I’m going to lump clowns and mascots in as one. My father-in-law often teases me that I’ll never be able to go to Disneyland because of this fear. My argument is always, “But they’re not mascots. Mickey Mouse isn’t a guy in a costume, he’s Mickey Mouse! How can I be scared of Mickey Mouse?” I know there’s no merit to it, but I’m sticking with my argument because I would LOOOOVE to go to Disney!

“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”  - Psalm 118:6

10.) “Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” – Benjamin Franklin, “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

My Fear: Last but not least, I fear losing those I love and hold dear. When my brothers goes back to University after a weekend at home, or my sister goes on a school trip, or my other sister and her little boy take a trip into the city, or my parents/parents-in-law go somewhere for a weekend, or my husband goes across town to work – I have a constant worry that they will not come back. There are some days where I get this terrible feeling of panic; you know, that feeling when you’re sure something awful has just happened and you just don’t know what yet? There are some days where I get that feeling as I hear the car pull off of the driveway or I get a text that a person is just hitting the highway. Sometimes I get these vivid dreams that someone I love has died and I wake up and feel as though I need to see that they are alive and well to believe that they are exactly that – alive and well. I know that we all die at some point in time. And I know that we don’t all get to live for 80 or 90 years. Does that stop me from hoping that those I love WILL live to a ripe old age? Absolutely not. I always preferred to live on the side of the blind and naive rather than to face that fear of death and loss every moment or every day. Do I need to learn to accept death and not to fear it? Absolutely. I would rather live in the truth than anything else. Is it scary? Absolutely. But I hope to overcome it and live in faith and hope instead, and I hope to reach that point someday soon. Although, as my husband and I watch our family grow with children and grandchildren and maybe even great-grandchildren, the odds of my fear being diminished grow smaller. However, I believe that through God all things are possible and that I can live freely, knowing that I will one day see those I love again – in paradise.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going. Thomas said to him, ‘Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:1-7

So now you and I both know me a little bit better. It’s funny  how we know a lot about ourselves but there are many things that we choose to ignore and after time, find that we forget. Fear is something we don’t like to think about. Just like weakness. In sharing my fears, I already feel a little bit stronger; knowing I have identified them and owned them and can now begin to confront them and one day move to conquer. I thank God for being my strength when I am weak and giving me perseverance to face great tests and trials. And I praise God for allowing me to suffer in this life and allowing me to know pain and sadness, because it is through those times that I am reminded of Gods goodness and of my deliverance through Jesus. I praise God for using the tragedies of this life and turning them into tools to shape me into the woman he designed me to be. And I pray that in all circumstances I will listen to the voice of truth, and not the voice of my fear – and that is my prayer for you also.

I have a fear that I didn’t mention – an important one. I’m scared of talking about God. I’m scared I’ll say something that sounds stupid or offends someone or isn’t correct because I didn’t do enough research. I’m scared that it might make me seem uncool or prude. My blog is part of my movement to conquer that fear. I love the Lord, my God, and I want to follow his purpose for me better every day. I want to reach the end of my days and stand before a proud father (fear of letting others down? ). So whether you like what I say or not, I will continue to put my thoughts into words and share them with you, because I want to live – without fear and doubt and worry determining every move I make. I want to TRULY live.

Thanks for joining me on my journey and for your comments and encouragements. I want you to know – whoever you are – you have blessed me by reading my blog, even if you haven’t left a comment! Just knowing that my writing is out there is enough and I hope you continue following me as I continue to write. Again, thank you ever so much. Blessings.

A glimpse into my mind in the past weeks…

 

It’s been a while since my last post so I thought it was high time I scribble down some words.

Lately, there have been a few things on my mind but I first want to talk about why I have been M.I.A. from the blog world and if you know me in the real world too. I have fantastic news to share – I have a job! After miscarrying our first child last summer I started working a new, full-time job and quickly discovered I had taken on too much, too soon. The job was intense and required a lot of focus and homework. I woke up early, put on my fancy face and hair and clothes (this job required me to dress fashionably and trendy while maintaining a professional office-wear look), and sometimes I would have time to whip together some lunch (which would be rabbit food because that’s what everyone else there ate and I felt like a piggy eating anything more than that). In between my morning routine I would drop off my husband at work which took up about 15-20 minutes all together, depending on traffic and the weather. Then I’d drive myself to work in a neighbouring town, which was about a 15 minute drive one-way, and for the next 8 hours it was work-work-work. Often (at least 2 times a week) I would have to stay 30-60 minutes past closing because of lingering clients/patients/customers. That sort of thing is bound to happen, but when it was  2-3 times a week and I would get home at 7 and still have to make supper, do laundry, dishes, or whatever household items were required of me – I just felt so overwhelmed! And then there was always homework to do for work. My life consisted of nothing but work and it did me in quickly. I’m the type of person that thrives on relationships and I need to have time to get things done and keep up with my own hobbies. There was no time allowance for these things while I was at this particular business. Eventually I wore myself so thin that I couldn’t eat or sleep and I became physically ill and above and beyond the anxiety and how overwhelmed I felt I was heartbroken over the loss we were grieving – our first baby. I would never hold our baby close, watch them grow and change and discover, or even know if they were a boy or a girl. After a visit with my doctor, she advised that I quit my job and take some time to heal – inside and out. Where this was definitely the right choice for me, it put us between a rock and a hard place. With student debt looming over our heads, rent and other bills due, we both felt stressed over the financial pressures we were struggling with. And then came the process of finding a job. I applied at numerous places and nothing was happening. I was ready to work again, though I knew it would be a difficult transition, but was having no luck in my job-search. Then one day, I got a phone call. I’m so happy to share with you all that my job is going swimmingly! The people there are so welcoming and kind, and funny too. They manage to have a great time with each other while doing their work and you get to meet a lot of great people along the way! Despite how intimidating new jobs are, each day feels better than the last as I continue learning how everything works and getting into the swing of things. Though the butterflies in my stomach probably won’t go away for a few more weeks yet, I can tell that this is a place where I can belong and where I will thrive and succeed, and that is so exciting! I can see now where everything has taken us. A long and hard road has led me here. How nice to finally arrive home!

On to other topics…

The sun! Last night we received another dumping of snow. It was beautiful last night, as the fluffy flakes fell down gently against a backdrop of snow covered trees and a dark nights sky – but then you wake up and remember it’s APRIL! Where is spring? For an outdoor runner who is extremely out of shape and supposed to be participating in a 5K in the middle of July – the pressure is on and patience is disappearing rather quickly. Recently, a friend posted on FB that she wondered if the White Witch had taken over the land and if we should be concerned about losing Christmas next? Being a nerd and loving fantasy literature, I picked up on this Narnia reference immediately and knew I had to refer to it at some point – so I’m doing it now. Seeing that post provided some comic relief in a truly disappointing moment. I have to keep reminding myself that patience is a virtue and ultimately we have no control over the weather, and it can’t possibly be winter forever. God will eventually bring us spring and then summer and then fall and winter again, and the cycle will continue as long as I live. I’m trying to remember the mystery and beauty in the cycle of the seasons and trying to appreciate the uniqueness each one offers – spring brings us chirping birds and budding flowers and trees, summer brings us sunshine one minute and thrilling thunderstorms the next, fall brings us crunchy leaves and a warm palette of colours, and winter brings us crisp and clean air and sparkling snow and cozy nights cuddling on the couch, drinking tea, and watching our favourite movies.

Something else that’s been on my mind is friendship – how rare and precious true friendship is, and how incredible intimacy in our relationships is. Recently a friend told me of the experience she had welcoming their little girl into the world. Fully expecting a boy, they were surprised when out popped a little baby girl! The entire room had tears in their eyes as the doctor announced, “you have a girl!” What a beautiful moment to have witnessed and to have shared. As she told me this story I found myself on the brink of shedding a few tears of my own! Yesterday I watched my husband play with our nephew and couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as they ran around for so long that hubby was huffing and puffing and baby was rosy-cheeked and giggling to the point that he peed! Our nephew’s daddy isn’t a part of his life so grandpa (Pappy) and Uncles Bud and Jesse have taken it upon themselves to be the male figures in his life. It warms my heart to watch our little buddy grow and as we fall in love with our little guy over and over, and deeper every day. Some of my favourite moments with Jesse are watching him bond with our nephew – partly because of how he has stepped up to be there for him throughout his life and partly because I see what an amazing daddy he will be to our kids one day. A day we both look forward to, very much. The human capacity to love and empathize and be intimate in friendship, family, romantic relationships and marriage never ceases to amaze me. Often I need to be reminded – as with the weather – how mysterious and beautiful is the cycle of life, the cycle of relationships (saying goodbye to old friends and greeting new friends into our lives), and our communion with one another. How complex and intricately designed are each one of us!

On that note….thin vs thick. I’m noticing more and more how bombarded we are as women AND men, to look and act a certain way. We are encouraged to be unique and yet each type of unique falls into a category of trend – indie, mod, nautical, chic, country, athlete, etc. We are encouraged to embrace who we are and yet thin and thick people alike are criticized for how they look. Have you noticed that recently the buff look is in? We have moved from skinny to toned to fit to body-builder. As women we should have flawless skin, shiny and bouncy hair that is the perfect balance between messy and done, we should wear enough make-up to look put together but not over-done, we should wear clothes that are trendy but have some sort of unique detail, and beyond physical traits – we should lose our virginity by 16, have a deep and serious relationship by 15 and look like 25 year olds by the age of 14. As men they should lose their virginity by 14, break a few hearts by 15, and be completely independent and self-sufficient by 16, and they should be the perfect balance of prince charming and bad boy – not to mention look tan, totally ripped, be able to grow a full beard which they will keep trimmed for that ruggedly handsome look, and be of *echem* satisfactory size, if you know what I mean. I grow increasingly more disgusted at how we are stealing the childhood from our sons and daughters. Fashion is fun, I love to keep up with trends – but a 7 year old should not be wearing the same thing a 27 year old is, and a 13 year old should not be wearing enough make-up to fit in at an 80′s prom. Sex should be something special, not initiation into “adulthood” at the age of 14, 15 or 16 or even 17 or 18! We have taken the magic out of the world. We are forgetting the mystery and beauty in this life and have turned it into a shallow life where success and acceptance are impossible because we can never reach the standards set for us – again, as men or women, boys or girls. Parents are absent in the lives of their children and instead of teaching and leading them, leave the work to TV and crappy literature (Twilight!), and so on – that teaches them to set unrealistic ideals and goals that won’t help them achieve or succeed anything that they will look back on and be proud of. Excuse my cynicism, but seriously, what is up with the world?! The older I get the more I see how incredibly sad it is – the lives we have been thrown into and the lives we are setting up our children for. Jesse and I grow more and more thankful for the way we were raised. At the time you see it as over-protective and sheltered but one day you realize that your parents were only trying to defend your childhood from the ridiculous standards and goals set by society. We both hope that one day we can be as strong as our parents were and raise our children in faith, good morals, and to accept and love who they are and who others are as God designed them to be – not how the world tells us we should be.

On a happier note…it’s almost the weekend! My hope and prayer is that you all find yourselves safe, blessed, content, and with renewed thankfulness as you enjoy the weekend and enter another week of work and life and whatever challenges those things bring your way. May you have strength and patience to face the coming days and may we all find comfort and awe in the mystery and beauty in the every-day and in the little things too – and may we all have the courage to follow the paths laid out for us – seizing true individuality and defying trend.

For more random thoughts and updates, stay tuned!

The Masterpiece

“Dear God, did I hear you right today? Did I hear you say that you love me? Even though you and I both know I messed up so many times. Did I hear you say you want to use me? But I feel so useless. If you’ll take me then use me and God, I give you all that I am. Take me? I love you God.”  - A quote from the skit ‘God’s Chisel’ by The Skit Guys.

It was Sunday morning and we were sitting in a church service. We don’t go to church as often as we should but every now and then we drag ourselves out of bed, put our Sunday shoes on, and make our way to a place where we can fellowship and worship with other believers. Our parents both raised us in faith and we both grew up supported by church families. When we saw those families on Sunday morning, or on a Youth night, there was a sense of belonging – of coming home. Now we wander from church to church and have been looking for a place to call home, a family to call our own. Though that journey has become a long road leading to nowhere we have faith that God will call us somewhere eventually and until then we go on as floaters. But let’s get honest here, I’m tired of floating. I think our greatest struggle is that we miss what we grew up with but now, as adults, we need to search and choose for ourselves. We need to establish ourselves and find our place. We need to discover and endeavor on our own now and that’s not as easy as it looked from past chapters of our lives.

Speaking for myself – I’m scared. It isn’t an issue about letting go of what I know anymore, it’s fear – my crippling fear of acceptance. I am afraid of not being wanted when I have a heart that wants to serve and be useful. I am afraid of having a chance to be involved but not being good enough and either being rejected or ridiculed. I am afraid of being alone – as I have felt for so long now. Questions that run through my mind are – Will there be young couples around our age there that we can connect with? Will there be people for us to sit with on a Sunday morning? Will there (one day) be kids for our kids to go to Sunday School with and have play dates with? Will there be an opportunity for us to serve as a couple? Will people like us or will they ignore us, judge us, mock us, snub us, reject us, or worst of all – will they pretend to accept us out of righteous obligation but turn on us when we leave the room? Thoughts like these are toxic and as soon as a seed of doubt is planted it grows quickly, infecting your mind and soul until every thought you think and every action you take is blackened with the poison. You become something that when you look in the mirror, is nothing more of a creature than a person.

Do you ever look in the mirror and think, who is that? Do you ever look at yourself and try to find that beautiful light within but retreat because you can’t find your way through the ugliness? I think if a ruin had life in it to experience and feel, it would tell us it feels – collapsed, crushed, deteriorating, dirty, scattered, empty – hidden beneath the forest growing over it, camouflaged by the vines and ivy and moss. Sometimes I think, “I’m no masterpiece, I’m a ruin.” I get angry with myself because I have become a product of my own making. A product of fear. A product of doubt. A product of envy and loathing and prejudice. A product of the world. The further I let myself drift from my Father, the farther I fall and the more I change. I admit, I am lost. Do you ever feel lost?

I no longer know who I’m supposed to be and when I search for direction all I see is the spinning needle of the compass I hold in my hand. I know my gifts but I’m afraid to believe in them. I know a part of my purpose and place in this world but I only have a handful of the pieces to that puzzle. I have faith that there is rhyme and reason behind all things but I truly do feel useless at times. I can’t contribute to the well-being of my family because I’m unemployed – a result of physical and mental illness, I have no church to find support and encouragement in or to serve and employ my gifts in, I can count on one hand the friends I can rely on – only one of whom lives (full time) in the same place as I do, I live in a basement apartment with rowdy teenage boys living above us – whose A) favorite TV shows, B) musical genres, and C) hobbies I can name (A) Two and a Half Men, B) Punk/Rock/Techno, C) playing tag with girls/wrestling/doing all daily tasks and functions, ie: talking AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE!!!), our car would be a great second/back-up car but is unfortunately our one and only, yo-yo that I am I have gained a horrifying (for me) amount of weight in the past couple of years (back to my heaviest – every young woman’s dream – please pick up on my sarcasm), other couples are having babies and going on vacations and building or buying houses and adopting pets while we are fighting to stay afloat in our crappy apartment with our crappy car…alone…but hey, at least I have reserves around my midsection/hips/thighs/arms if we ever have to go hungry for a while. Yup – things seem pretty terrible when I look at all the things that have gone wrong and all the things we seem to be missing out on.

Then I play Pollyanna’s ‘Glad Game’ and try to find all the positive things that might be hidden among the bad. I have a Post-Secondary Degree in English (I know – it doesn’t really show ), I found what I wanted most – someone to spend my life with – and I thank God for him every day – many times a day, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my fridge, I have a car that gets me where I need to go, I have books to read and movies to watch and other forms of entertainment, I have my regained health, I have the ability to lose weight if I put in some hard work and persevere – and though I may not like some things about my looks there are a lot of things that I do like, I have family that loves me, I may have few friends but at least I don’t have none at all, I have nice clothes and shoes and jewellery and purses and other pretty things, I have talents that I have the ability to maintain and improve upon and polish up, I have a Savior who promises me salvation and endless forgiveness and love and mercy and strength and ability in Him – and I am free to live a life of faith without fear of imprisonment or worse, I was born into a life of privilege and not poverty, I live in a beautiful place with wonderful people, I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH SO MUCH! And yet, I can’t seem to find content. Why is it that we have so much but find it so difficult to truly be thankful? Why is it that we are so unbelievably blessed but can’t seem to settle for enough – we always want more, more, more? Why is it that we are so strangely unhappy, and what is happiness anyway?

I think happiness comes from looking at what we have and thinking – I have enough. Looking at what we have and thinking – I am blessed and I am thankful. Looking at what we have and thinking – I don’t need to play the comparison game because my needs have been fulfilled and then some. I think happiness comes from looking around us and being glad for other peoples happiness – rather than stewing in envy and covet, wishing we had what they had. I confess that is the most difficult challenge I face. I find it exceedingly difficult not to be jealous when others are becoming home owners or traveling abroad or settling into parenthood. But I’m working on it. A friend posted a quote on Facebook recently, “What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?” I realized, I would wake up with nothing. My husband, family, home, clothes, food, gifts, beauty, my salvation – it would all be gone. I would wake up in a black and empty void. Since seeing that quote I have been making an effort daily, to be sincerely thankful for all that I have. I want you to think about that quote, regardless of where you stand religiously, and I want you to think about what you would wake up with. What are you thankful for today?

What else do I think happiness is? I think happiness is knowing love – receiving it yes, but ultimately giving it. Selfless, unconditional, generous, pure and honest LOVE – if you’re familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, this is the love I’m referring to. If you are not familiar with the Bible you can check out the passage online or check the drawers in your hotel room or rummage through some shelves or boxes or call up a friend who’s familiar with the text – and check it out. It’s really a beautiful passage and a guideline I try to live by in every moment. I think happiness is really seeing the beauty in this world, this life, in ourselves, and in each other. Looking at a sunset and really taking in the artistry, looking at a sunrise and feeling the magic in a new day – clean and untouched – an opportunity to start fresh every 24 hours, looking at a flower grow and bloom and wither away and appreciating the beauty in something so fragile and enjoying it while you have the chance, looking at the stars and feeling the awe and wonder in realizing how vast the universe is – realizing how tiny we are in it and knowing that the Creator of it all knows us by name, cares for us, watches over us, wants nothing but the best for us, and wants to spend an eternity alongside us. I think happiness is choosing to see the romance, beauty, and sublimity in the every day.

There’s a quote from the film ‘Troy’ that I love, “I’ll tell you a secret, something they don’t teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now, and we will never be here again.” When I first watched the film this bit of script really struck me and it’s stuck with me ever since. And I’m sharing it with you now because it really sums up everything that I wanted to share with you today.

I want to really encourage you to watch the skit that I referred to earlier. Go to YouTube and search for God’s Chisel or TheSkitGuys and you’ll find it. It too is a perfect demonstration of the message I want to get across this blog post.

Do you feel lonely today? Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel ugly or dirty or unworthy? Do you feel like you’ve messed up too many times and can’t possibly be forgiven one more time – given one more chance – that you’ve fallen too far, dug yourself in too deep, and can’t possibly get out of the rut you’re in? Do you feel a little down today – frustrated – let down maybe? Whatever you’re feeling I want you to stop. Go look in the mirror. Then I want you to say OUT LOUD what you see. You may be scared to voice what you feel – maybe you hate yourself that much, all you see is a monster – a beast. Don’t you turn away. LOOK HARDER. Past all the gunk that’s clinging to you. And shake it off. I want you to let your Creator chisel away at all that stuff and reveal to you the masterpiece He designed. It’s in there. Believe you me, it is. Whether you believe it or not it’s there and God sees it. I want you to take a risk today. Look at yourself through Heaven’s eyes. Tell that voice in the back of your head – the voice of the world – all those stereotypes and molds you’re supposed to fit into – BREAK THEM and tell that voice to SHUT UP! Were you scared to look at the ugly before? Well, how much scarier is looking at the beauty? Now, listen up. I want you to know that you are a masterpiece. Whatever your bad habits are or flaws or sins – whatever you think makes you so dirty and ugly – that’s not who God designed you to be and it sure isn’t what He sees when He looks at you. If you let Him chip away at you – it’s not going to be easy. It’ll hurt and it’ll never start being easy BUT – you just might do great things with your maker lighting the path for you. If you believed in yourself half as much as God did – you just might find you’re pretty special. And you just might catch a glimpse of the masterpiece you were designed to be.

Ready or not, take a leap of faith with me today? Face your fears and doubts and open your eyes to see who you truly are. Embrace your uniqueness and live fully, passionately, appreciatively, and purposefully. Live like you mean it! Imagine a world where each of us lived like we mean it. Wouldn’t that be something?

Blessings.

Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!” – Psalm 27:13

Today my heart is filled with sadness. As a child you dream of life as an adult as though it’s going to be something enchanted; a fairy tale where all endings are happy and good always wins. I am only 23 years old and yet I feel as though so many hopes I had as a child have already been crushed, and that I know too much of pain.

In a recent conversation with my husband I described myself as an ‘emotional sponge’. What I meant by that, as I’m sure you can guess, was that I soak up the emotions of those around me. Whether they are my loved ones or complete strangers from across the world, when something happens – on either side of the spectrum aka good or bad – I feel it and I feel it deeply. I realize that most people are like that to an extent. When the latest story on the news is of children being forced to participate in war, or of people starving in third world countries, or of sporadic disasters that claim the lives of countless people, or of gunmen strolling into public places and shooting down dozens – you get the picture, we’ve all heard tell of terrible tragedies such as these – and when we do we feel terribly, terribly sad. Stories of senseless acts of violence and inhumanity between people in our ‘civilized world’ is all too common and tragic indeed, and it has a binding power that unites our hearts as we grieve together – as a community, as a country, or as a global nation. Grief in any situation becomes contagious, spreading quickly and infecting all who are touched by it. Although I don’t want to make it sound as though I claim to be ‘extra feeling’ or ‘extra sensitive’ or ‘extra empathetic or sympathetic’ I do know with certainty that I am a very soft-hearted person. I don’t think that I’m any more special than the person next to me because of this but I do know that it makes me a little different. Not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve or feel with or for those around me who are experiencing joys or sorrows, but it’s as though my heart hops out of my body and into theirs – especially in times of trial. It’s like my soul wants to absorb whatever they’re feeling so that they don’t have to feel it anymore. I don’t mean to liken myself to Jesus, not in any way, but that’s the picture that I get in my mind. I think of Jesus, taking upon himself the sins of the world, and I imagine that maybe he felt a little bit like how I feel – except where Jesus was a ‘sin sponge’ I am an ‘emotional sponge’. That probably sounds sacrilegious and blasphemous or anti-biblical and anti-Christian – but I’m going to stick with it anyway because it’s the best portrait I can paint at the moment and one that comforts me. I’m not trying to be theological or philosophical, just honest and truthful.

Today it is death that makes me so melancholy. It seems to me that the past couple of years have been riddled with death – whether it’s a family friend, or a child in the community, or otherwise – it seems to happen more and more frequently as each year passes. I realize that as you get older it’s natural to notice those around you gradually decreasing in number. My great grandma lived to be over 100 years old and I imagine she knew how to say ‘good-bye’ better than she would have liked. Actually, from the moment my great grandpa went home to be with the Lord, all grandma wanted was to join him. It’s a strange thing, isn’t it? Feeling such a void when someone you love is no longer with you in this life that you would rather be with them than go on on earth without them? Today a friend I knew well in high school had to say good-bye to her baby boy. They fought a long and hard battle with him and now can find peace knowing that he is truly healed, but that won’t make their pain any less in quality or quantity. Another three – family friends of my husbands – have begun a battle against cancer with their little girl, who is not even a year old. I find it shocking that I should know two couples who have been at the same time, fighting a battle against life-threatening illness in their children. I praise God for the healing of that little boy and for the strength of that little girl and I pray for strength and calm in the storm for both sets of parents, but I feel at a loss. I know that prayer matters – God always hears us and God always answers- but at the end of the day we don’t always get the answer we hoped for. We have all experienced a crushed hope, a broken dream, or an unfulfilled wish – but today I am overwhelmed by the tragedy I have seen and experienced in such a short amount of time; in such a short lifetime. Today I feel like my sponge heart has soaked up so much that the tears are still pouring from it as though it were a rag or even a ladle. If only I could REALLY take some of their hurt and fear from them, but I know I can’t – in reality – soak up their feelings.

Sympathy and empathy have always been strange to me. I can’t wrap my head around the concepts. I understand what they are but it blows my mind that we are capable of something so powerful. To me, emotion is intense and powerful and meaningful – maybe it’s because I am very much swayed by my emotions and wear my heart on my sleeve – but I think the way we can ‘feel’ so much and so many different things is truly magical. If anything in this life is enchanted it is our ability to love, hate, envy, fear, treasure, horde, doubt, trust, forgive, begrudge – how amazing is the capacity of the human soul?

Sometimes the extremity of my emotions feels like a burden. I feel guilty when I have done nothing to feel guilty for, I place blame on myself when things go wrong even though the responsibility to help things along or make a choice was not mine in the first place – I just want to fix everything, help everyone heal, make everyone feel better – and being a humble humanoid I can’t possibly do that! It can be exhausting feeling SO much, SO often, but I try to remember why it makes me unique and that God made me this way for a purpose. Even though I can’t make everything a-okay, I can still be an encouragement or a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on or come to someones defense. I have the ability to be a ray of light in dark days and as tired as FEELING can be, it’s a gift that I’ve been given and should be used for God’s glory.

Although it’s hard to hold on sometimes when life is such a roller coaster, I will keep clinging to the rail and hope for the best. If I need to yell and scream or laugh and cry, I will do it. It can be embarrassing to show how you feel. It makes you vulnerable and often people look on sensitivity as weakness – it’s how I was taught to look at myself. I felt deeply and thus I was weak, but I’m learning to see myself in a better light. Vulnerability and weakness, it makes me human. And sensitivity and honesty makes me a compassionate and caring and loving human. And being that type of human makes me a good friend and wife and daughter and sister and even a good stranger. I’m that fool strolling down the sidewalk smiling and saying hello to everyone I meet.

Maybe it’s the small town in me or maybe it’s something more of a family trait, but I’m learning to be thankful for it. Today I found myself wishing I wasn’t such a sap. I wished I didn’t cry so easily and so often, I wished I could just let go like my husband does, I wished I could put blinders on and just focus on one thing at a time, I wished I had better self-control, I wished I was a better liar so I could hide how I feel instead of always having to share it because I’m the WORST LIAR EVER (don’t believe me, think again). Then I realized, who would I be if that’s the person I was? Why should I try to be more like my husband, or anyone else for that matter? Maybe I would feel like a better person and more collected if I embraced who I am. It’s no wonder I feel so scattered and torn all the time because I stretch myself thin trying to be like this person or that person, trying to improve this and stifle that, trying to snuff this out entirely and begin acting like that – even though it isn’t true to my character at all. How lost have I been!

As bad thing after bad thing happens, I find myself broken-hearted over other peoples suffering or drowning in my own. And as wonderful thing after wonderful thing happens, I find myself envious over the blessings others receive and wanting MORE for myself – completely disregarding and discrediting the blessings I have received. For me, I feel no small emotions. When it comes to feelings I go big or go home. That’s how I’ve always been, and that’s probably how I always will be – but that’s not a bad thing. What’s bad is when I forget to be thankful and count my blessings, even in times of suffering and trial.

I was reminded today through a song, ‘Blessings’ by Laura Story, that maybe – just maybe – God brings us good out of the bad. And when I look back on my 23 years I can not deny that after every storm there has been calm. After every loss there has been gain. After every failure there has been another opportunity. After every trial there has been joy.

I often get so caught up on the negative side of the spectrum that I forget to pay the other side a visit. It’s healthy to visit both sides of the spectrum on as equal a level as we can, but I struggle to find that balance. I’m prone to linger on the dark side, and that’s okay. I know that I’m not alone in it and that’s a comfort to me. Slowly and surely I am learning to find balance. Slowly and surely I am learning to praise God in my pain and as I do I inch closer to the center of the scale.

For now though, for today, I am content to feel sad. Usually sadness scares me because I worry I may not find my way out of it. Today however, I feel strong. In fact, I feel strangely in control. Maybe by embracing my emotions rather than repressing them I am learning about myself and discovering that I am stronger than I think I am, and capable of being in control – capable of feeling deeply but staying afloat instead of sinking.

I don’t know when this change began or how it happened or how I got to this point. My journey began a long time ago and I have faced many struggles – some that no person of the age I was at the time should be dealing with. Yet here I am and I’m okay. I’ve never really thought about how okay I am until today. I sat alone, heart-broken over tragedy which was not even my own and I let myself weep and be sad. I let myself feel hurt and horrified. And somehow all the bad I was feeling felt kind of good! It wasn’t evil and it wasn’t shameful – it was just human and honest and for the first time in a long, long, long time I let my feelings and reasons be legitimized. I wrote in a previous post about freeing myself and out of nowhere, for no reason that I can put my finger on, I feel like I am. It was as though I was swimming towards the surface which was just out of arms reach, and as I neared the surface I ran out of breath. As I ran out of breath everything grew dark and I began sinking and sinking, deeper and deeper downwards, and further and further from the surface – the light and warmth of the sun – FREEDOM. SAFETY. My last breath had been breathed and soon the water would rush into my lungs and I would be gone – lost forever. I expected that if I were to be rescued and come out of my watery grave it would be dramatic. Light would burst through and something or someone would reach down into the water, grasp my hand, and pull me up, up, UP through the surface – and I would gasp for air and it would burn but I wouldn’t care because I would be breathing, I would be alive, I would be okay. Here I am, with no dramatic turn-around to tell of, no romantic rescue, no knight in shining armor – I’m just here and I feel okay. I feel like I can breathe. I feel safe and free and happy and content. Am I in a place where I want to be right now? Definitely not. I’m unemployed, bored out of my mind at home, lonely without many friends nearby and the ones that I have nearby I wish I was closer to. I don’t feel particularly ‘solid’ in my walk with God, I don’t feel particularly ‘in tune’ with myself or those I love. I still feel distant and like I’m wandering, but I think I have finally reached the mountain top and as I look into the valley below I know now that the longest part of my journey is behind me. I know that when I take my first step down that mountain, gravity will pull at me and as I take another step and another I will be racing downwards at a speed I can not fathom. Somehow, I know the worst is behind me. Suddenly it is so clear to me that the only place things can go now is up – because regardless of what comes my way, good or bad, I can face it. I can endure it. And I can be joyful in it.

Maybe it’s the darkness of a fellow persons tragedy that overshadows my own darkness – bringing light to the fact that by comparison, things aren’t as bad for me as they are for another. Maybe I’ve finally opened my mind and heart to hear God’s voice through the white noise my weaknesses and the chaos which a life on earth creates. Maybe it’s the realization that I can only be held responsible for my own actions and words, so I don’t need to burden myself with things I want to fix – because I can’t. I need to accept that others will choose for themselves and ultimately I should be focusing on the choices I am making because one day I will face my judgment and I want to look at my life without regret. Does no regret mean no mistakes? Absolutely not. No regret means actively working towards becoming a better person every day – ‘saying no’ when temptation comes calling, saying yes when opportunities arise, living healthy and honestly and with love. Living a life that is respectable and worthy of Gods forgiveness when I mess up, worthy of Gods mercy, worthy of Jesus’ sacrifice, worthy of blessings.

To be honest, I don’t really care about the ‘why’ or ‘how’. I’m just so relieved that this day has come and excited about tomorrow and all the days after that. Typically I would feel overwhelmed in a moment like this, weak and insecure and incapable of dealing with what’s going on around me or in me. I would be stressing over this, that, and everything. Not today. Today I feel sad and I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have such inspiring friends. I feel blessed that my baby has ‘familiar company’ in heaven. I feel blessed that I can feel so many things and feel them a little or feel them a lot. Today I see the beauty in this life – fragile, tender, easily and quickly affected by environment but adaptable in any habitat so long as roots are grounded in the right soil and nourished by the right elements.

I realize now that I have been dead and for just a moment I think I caught a glimpse of how God maybe felt by the void my absence created. Yesterday I was dead but today I feel like I have been given new life! Lately I have been reminded time and time again how temporary this life is but today I am beginning to really understand it and I am determined to live to the fullest – to laugh and love and appreciate everything around me and in me – big or small. This world is not my true home. How natural it is to feel like a wanderer. For now however, this is the home I have been given and I have 23 years to be thankful for, and I hope many more; alongside the too-good-to-be-true partner God has given me to walk through this life with. I hope we will have children and grow old enough to see them have children. Grow old enough to see our hair turn grey and become fat and wrinkled together! I don’t care for wealth in money or riches. I want to find my wealth in family and friends and a beautiful life that I know God wants for me and will give me if I only follow the path laid out for me – the path lit by Gods word and spirit.

If you are reading this ramble I want to encourage you to be thankful today. Be thankful for your joys and sorrows, triumphs and trials. Don’t take this life for granted. Live it to the full and live it according to Gods will and purpose. Count your blessings today. And if you have the good fortune of waking tomorrow morning, start counting them again and on every morning you wake after that.

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!” – Psalm 27:13

I believe. And I hope you do too.

Be Mine, Valentine

My husband and I aren’t particularly ‘romantic’ people. We don’t light candles and play John Mayer softly in the background for a romantic evening, and although we sometimes have little moments that are soft and sweet – overall we bond mostly over teasing and flirting and making each other laugh. That’s just how we express our love and affection on a daily basis. As husband and wife, naturally, we are very much in love – intimately and romantically – but we are so much more. We are BEST FRIENDS – we are a TEAM. That being said, holidays like Valentines Day aren’t really our type of shin-dig. We prefer the experience of spontaneous days that fate pulls together for us and avoid the pressure of celebrations like February 14th. I’ll admit that there are times when I’d love my husband to plan a romantic surprise for me – to bring me flowers and cook me dinner and light candles and to enjoy a moonlit stroll through the park. But that’s just not who we are! And when I find myself wanting those things it’s really more because I think I’m supposed to, not because my heart desires them.

For example: His proposal – which was nothing fancy but during Christmas season (my favourite holiday season) and on a day where we had two separate family gatherings so we could share our day with those we love. He asked me very simply and shared some sweet words with me (which I wish I remembered!) while we were alone between gatherings. I go through short phases where I wish he would have planned something big and fancy and romantic but then I realize, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was happy to be in that moment ALONE together but to also have the opportunity before and after to spend time celebrating with our families while the moment was so fresh. We aren’t the type of people that like to make a show of things. We like to “keep it classy” – as my husbands catch phrase goes. We don’t like to follow every latest trend – we try to forge our own path. And that’s all part of what makes us who we are. A sense of identity is so important and in a world where it can be so easily lost – common sense would tell us that it’s easier to be true to who you REALLY are when you are on paths that REFLECT who you really are.

We love Black and White movies – not because they’re vintage but because we love the simplicity and honesty in them. Not to mention the insane talent of movie stars back then! You couldn’t fix everything with computers or machines – either you could act or you couldn’t, you could dance or you couldn’t, you could sing or you couldn’t. We are becoming coffee snobs – not because we’re hipsters but because we have a local coffee shop in town that makes delicious, fair-trade beverages and recently brought in wholesome, homemade, and local food – we also like to support local businesses. If you opened our fridge you would find that we drink 2% milk – we don’t care if the rest of the world is drinking skim. We don’t have any tattoos because we just like the look of our skin the way it is – untouched and with only the markings God gave us. That doesn’t mean we think less of anyone who DOES follow trends or has tattoos or drinks skim milk! It just means that we fit into a different mold and I’m beginning to realize that that’s okay.

I recently received a message from a friend and she spoke about the things she finds romantic. She was celebrating Valentines as a ‘single girl’ and was busy preparing for a party with some friends and just enjoying a beautiful day. For her, she felt love and romance as strongly as anyone in a ‘romantic relationship’ – waking up and seeing that the sun is shining brightly outside, preparing a party for some close friends to celebrate love and friendship, and dancing around in her kitchen to some of her favourite tunes while she was busy baking. She woke up that day feeling passionate about life and the people she is blessed to share it with. The fact that she felt that way on Valentines Day was convenient but coincidental all the same. She mentioned that she was TRYING to be more ‘romantic’ and to appreciate the ‘mushy’ stuff more, like many women do and like we are apparently supposed to. I would encourage any girl like her to stay true to who she is! DEFY THE TREND! And if you are the type of person who loves the type of romance displayed in ‘chick flicks’ then more power to you! Don’t try to appreciate it less. When you shed a tear during ‘Titanic’ wipe it away without embarrassment and if all you want for Valentines Day is a dozen red roses then don’t be afraid to ask for it or be excited when you receive it! DEFY THE TREND! Don’t lose yourself by trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t designed for you. Look inside you and remember who you are. I can’t help but refer to Disney’s ‘The Lion King’ at this point. After running away Simba tries to leave his past behind him and changes himself to fit into Timon and Pumba’s world and although he has momentary peace by doing so, in the process he forgets who he truly is – A KING! When Rafiki helps him to see his father, Mufasa reminds Simba to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! And after some tough love from his childhood friend (and future wife), Simba is struck by the truth: He can’t hide from the truth about who he is and if you try to it will only come and find you eventually – he can only embrace it and face his past and his trials by standing strong in that knowledge.

This friend of mine, as I told her in my reply to her message, is truly a kindred spirit to me. We are so similar in our characters, temperaments, and values. Similar things motivate us and hold us back. Similar things excite us and frighten us. And we both find much value in the little things in life. We are both the type of people that enjoy all the moments in life that last and come together to make life so spectacular, rather than the big moments which soon fade away. For example, I remember more about my first date with my husband than I do our wedding day. When i was in high school I went on a trip to Europe and I hardly remember it! I look back at pictures and it triggers memories – places look familiar and every now and then a memory with a story pops into my head, but overall the joy from that trip is trapped. I can’t revisit that time and place in my mind and feel the excitement I did while I was living it – but knowing that doesn’t stop me from enjoying big moments, it just means that the little ones warm my heart and leave imprints that the big ones cannot. What this all helps me realize is how vital it is to be in the moment. To take each day at a time and cherish it – as it may be your last. I may never see another snowfall or starry night or smell another summer rain or blooming flower garden. Many may see this type of mindset as morbid, and I can’t blame them. We don’t like to think about death because we fear it above all else – but why should the fear of death keep us from slowing down and “stopping to smell the roses”? Why let death steal our joy?

The world around us is functioning at high-speed. With fast cars and fast technology we forget the simple things that matter. The magic of a hand-written letter or a post card rather than a text or email. The magic of a moment where time stands still – maybe when you’re holding your newborn baby or sharing your first kiss with someone you’ve fallen in love with or a moment where you’re standing back and realizing how blessed you are and feel thankful. It’s moments like those that your heart is so FULL and I don’t want to rush through them.

I made a goal recently to live in the moment and not to take my blessings or my trials for granted. I know that hard times will strengthen me and help me grow, I know that my blessings are not mine to possess and that they are given to me by God and so I should treasure them in my heart for they may no longer be mine tomorrow, and I know that I don’t want to reach the end of my days and have regrets. I want to learn from my mistakes and find joy in my suffering. I want to be a person God would be proud of and be true to the person I was created to be and fulfill the purpose designed for me. I don’t want to celebrate Valentines Day – with cupids and colour schemes and roses and chocolates. I want to celebrate LIFE and LOVE! I want to wake up with excitement and experience each day with warmth and passion in my heart and go to bed at night content.

This Valentines Day, Jesse and I planned on dinner at home (meatloaf – one of our favourites) and then going to see the new ‘Die Hard’ movie. Yippie-Ki-Yay! Instead we ended up babysitting our 1 1/2 year old nephew and having my two sisters over for dinner – because our parents had BOTH come down with the flu! So we ate together, watched ‘A Goofy Movie’, played with the baby, my youngest sister busied herself crocheting, and my other sister took off to coach gymnastics. While I was getting dinner ready I looked around me and realized there was no better way to spend my Valentines Day. In that moment I felt like my heart was overflowing with joy. I was surrounded by people I love and that love me and best of all – I got to watch my husband play with our giggling nephew – and watching them together gives me hope for our future and soothes my apprehension and anxiety about it. The next day I spent the morning helping my mother-in-law with some decorating at their church – something special we started doing together shortly after I joined the family. We had a fun time chatting away and working on our projects, and had a great coffee break with the church staff that was around that day. Another day full of blessings! That afternoon I began to feel a little off so after having lunch with the in-laws and my husband I went home and straight to bed. The off feeling I had turned out to be THE FLU and Jesse spent the entire weekend on his feet – getting me whatever I needed, whether I asked for it or not – and rubbing my back while I bowed before the porcelain throne, YUCK! He even spent the night in bed with me (on what bed I left for him) instead of somewhere less germ-infested like the spare room or the couch because that way I could easily wake him if I needed anything. When I began to improve he even made me ‘sheep’ – his grandma’s magical cure for every ailment – toast with butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon, cut into little squares, and you eat it with a toothpick just like you would an hors d’oeuvres. It seems silly but let me tell you – I am a believer! I improved quickly after that point and I can’t help but send a thank-you to Jesse’s grandma in heaven for her magical sheep.

I’m one that doesn’t like to ask for anything so this weekend was certainly a humbling experience for both of us, I think – since neither of us has come down with anything more than a cold in the time we’ve been married. It’s odd to see that kind of experience as romantic, but that’s just what it was – for me at least. Jesse played the role of my Knight in Shining Armor and played it well and by the end of the weekend he had freed the Princess from the clutches of her curse with the most powerful magic of all – true love.

I guess you could say that our Valentines Day was a success after all – though nothing went as planned and in fact everything seemed to go horribly wrong, we grew a little bit closer through it all – and when all was said and done I am thankful. Thankful for the way our Valentines evening turned out, thankful for a man who takes care of me in my sickness, thankful for family – and especially thankful for our nephew, thankful for friends who keep in touch despite how busy life gets, thankful to be on someones heart and mind, and thankful for people to love and care for and pray for.

My encouragement to you – whoever you are – is to STOP. Slow down, take in the moment, open your eyes to really see all that you have and be thankful. Make an effort today to reach out to someone – an old friend or a new friend, your spouse, a parent or sibling,  whoever comes to mind – and remind them that you love them. And begin your own journey to remembering – who you are, what you love, who you love, what you have, what you’re meant for, and don’t let anything cause you to stray from that path. Just follow the yellow brick road and it will lead you home!;)

Freeing Willy

The 1993 film ‘Free Willy’, directed by Simon Wincer, is a flick that will be familiar to many families. I for one watched the movie on a regular basis, and even had the ceramic whale pendant just like the one ‘Jesse’ wears – a bonus that came with the VHS – remember the VHS days? Now, just to recap: Free Willy is the story of a troubled boy, Jesse, who finds himself working at an aquarium where he meets Willy – a killer whale. Jesse quickly connects with Willy and when he finds out that his new-found friend is in danger, sets his mind to freeing the whale before any harm can come to it. The end credits feature a well-known song entitled ‘Will You Be There’ by the King of Pop – Michael Jackson.

As great as the classic film is, I’m not here to review it. What I want to talk about is my own whale, but in my story my whale isn’t a friend exactly. In my story I am the whale and my enemy is made up of all the stuff in life that is holding me back and dragging me down. My whale is in danger and has been afflicted by tragedy which has wounded me, burdens which have weighted me, and darkness which has trapped me. With lent beginning tomorrow, I thought there was no time like the present to free my whale.

This past summer, my husband and I made plans to visit a friend who had recently moved to British Columbia. I had never been that far west before and we decided to do things road-trip style. As long as the drive was, it was beautiful and neither of us regretted choosing the highway vs. the skyway. We had the opportunity to spend a day in Vancouver where I got a glimpse of the ocean for the first time in my life! I still wish I could have seen more of it but you’ve got to leave something for next time, right? The area we were at was the site of the torch from the 2010 Winter Olympics. Near the torch is a sculpture of a whale – styled in blocks like pixels in a digital image – or like LEGO, I thought. Naturally, my husband (whose name conveniently enough is Jesse), had to take a ‘Free Willy’ picture. There’s a scene in the movie where Jesse guides Willy to jump over a wall to land in the open ocean on the other side of it. The image of the boy confidently standing on the wall, an arm reaching upwards with palm stretched open, is iconic for those familiar with the film and is featured on its cover as well as on posters, etc.

The moment while we were taking that picture, I kept thinking about the reason we were truly in BC in the first place. I believe that part of letting go is talking about the things that weigh heavy on our hearts and minds, and so for the first time – aside from with my husband, of course – I’m going to really talk about it.

This past summer my husband and I discovered we were expecting our first child. Though this was something we hadn’t planned for it was happening and we were thrilled. This would be the first grandchild on his parents side and the second on mine – our nephew is about 15 months old. I had been feeling strange all summer and acting unlike myself but we hadn’t thought much of it until we realized what may be going on. When our suspicions were confirmed we laughed and cried together for what felt like a very long time and guesstimated that our baby was about 8 weeks along. Not long after that, something didn’t felt right and that feeling of ‘not right’ was identified as a miscarriage. The loss, early as it was, was devastating for us. We decided to take a trip to BC for a breath of fresh air in hopes that it would help us heal. As nice as the trip was and as noble as the notion, we returned home feeling as heartbroken as we did when we had left – but as time passed my husband moved forward and I didn’t.

I kept telling myself that I had no right to feel the way I did, that it wasn’t as bad as having our baby here with us and then losing them, and that there were others who were worse off than we were. Where there was some truth to those thoughts I needed to accept the truth I was denying. We had EVERY right to feel as terrible as we did over our loss. Unfortunately, it took me too long to embrace that truth and because I was scared to feel sad I let myself become angry and bitter. When others announced that they were expecting or that their baby had arrived I tried to bottle up my feelings but they became so strong that they began to bubble over. I started withdrawing from those around me and stewing in my own bitterness and grief. Envy had overtaken me and I had stopped trying to control it. Anger turned to depression and grief turned to anxiety and eventually I became physically ill. I could no longer eat or sleep or focus on even the simplest of tasks. I had no strength or patience for keeping up a conversation and even the presence of people made me feel suffocated. Worst of all, I felt completely alone in it all. I felt like my husband had moved on, that our family and friends didn’t care about what we had gone through or deem it significant enough to care about, and that even God didn’t hear my cries. I didn’t understand why we didn’t deserve to keep our baby and why others – some who didn’t appear to be in deserving circumstances – did.

My entire life, envy and covet have been evils that I constantly struggle with. I wanted to be as pretty as _______, as skinny as _______, as rich as ________, as smart as ________, as lucky as _______ – I think you get the idea. Nothing I had was good enough and the person I was wasn’t good enough either. I have never known a time that I was not discontent with myself or my life. The blessings I have I have never truly been thankful for because there is always someone who has been blessed greater than I have been and that darkness overshadowed anything God ever gave me. They say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but I was dying. Slowly the darkness was poisoning me, spreading throughout, and clouding my mind. I could no longer see any good around me or in me and I no longer had the will to.

Things became bad enough that I could no longer work. I had to quit my job, which I had only been at for a couple of months, and as a result we began to struggle financially – which has been difficult, but a little at a time I began to improve. It still hurts when I hear that someone else is expecting, but its sadness that I feel and not anger. I’ve come to terms with the fact that nothing can replace what we lost and that happiness will need to be found elsewhere – first and foremost, in my life AS IT IS – something I talked about in a previous post about ‘The Happiness Project’.

I want to set myself free, but how? How do you go about ‘freeing willy’? And what does that have to do with lent?

The purpose of lent in a nutshell is to rid ourselves of the things that stand between us and God. We give up TV because we spend too much time watching TV and not enough time in prayer. We give up dessert or meat or fast food because gluttony makes us value food above all else – thus becoming an idol. We give up pornography or masturbation or even movies with our celebrity crushes because lust makes adulterers of us all. By ridding yourself of the bad you are FREEING YOURSELF and creating an outlet for the good – so that good may enter and that good may depart. James 4:1-12 says this:

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

This passage was preached in a church service we attended recently and it struck me. Indeed, who am I to judge? I saw ourselves as favourable in Gods eyes and was looking at others as though they were not in favour in Gods eyes. It’s true that my place is not to judge and if I am honest with myself I know that I deserve exactly what I get and facing my trials with FAITH will define me – not facing them alone or running from them.

I may never understand why we were not meant to care for our firstborn, but that does not mean that they are lost to us. Our baby was not meant for this earth and they are in heaven with the one who created them. We expected that we would be raising a child but we had an angel instead, who fulfilled their purpose before they even breathed air into their lungs. I may never understand any of the trials I have or will face in this life but I know that God is with me through them. Matthew 10:29-31 says, “Are not two sparrows worth a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows.” What comforting words! When everything falls apart and hope cannot be found, FAITH WILL FREE US.

It has been a year of tragedy and many years of hardship and that may not change. My life has never been easy and it may never be. That isn’t for me to decide. What IS in my power to change is how I handle the difficulties that I find myself facing and the habits that I allow myself to possess. What I can do is jump over that wall and into the open ocean and leave my enemies behind. We will always have enemies in this life and I will not be escaping conflict, this I know full well, but I think it’s time that I face some new enemies. I think it’s time that I bury my bad habits that are harmful and my bad attitudes that make me take steps backward instead of forward. I think it’s time that I lay to rest my worries and fears and trust that I will be taken care of – because beyond that big ocean, is a big world and beyond that big world, a big universe and beyond that big universe is a BIG GOD. A God with the power to save and to destroy, and yet who notices when even a little sparrow falls to the ground.

This year I will work towards true happiness and lasting change. This lent I will free myself and enter a new chapter, leaving the past behind me and facing the future with faith. This ‘me’ will be a product of Gods shaping and not the worlds – I will be a friend of God and not of this earth, I will be a vessel for good and not for evil, I will forge a new path for my life and follow Gods guidance rather than relying on my own – BECAUSE IN CHRIST JESUS I HAVE BEEN MADE FREE. It’s been too long that God has been standing on that wall with an arm in the air and palm stretched open, trying to guide me to a better place.

All around me I can feel that danger is near. The enemy is closing in. I feel safe there in the water but I know that what I feel is false. Though everything looks as it should there is evil lurking behind me, ready to pounce and prepared to kill. I look in front of me and I see the wall – wide and tall and strong. Can I really do this? Can I really clear that wall? For a moment I glance away from the obstacle and up through the surface of the water, and I see my friend. My friend who has blessed me with companionship, comfort, compassion, kindness, and above all – love. My friend who has never abandoned me and would never lead me astray. I know that I can. I know that I must. I back away to allow myself distance enough to propel myself as high up and as far forward as I can. My heart is pounding and I am terrified, but faithfully I begin swimming. Faster and faster I go, closer and closer I get, and bigger and bigger it grows and then – I’m flying! In a giant leap of faith I follow the hand that guides me and as I pass over the wall I see eyes twinkling and smile gleaming. And then my reflection in the water below and a rush as I dive in. Everything is new and with endless sea beyond in every direction I have room to breathe, room to grow, and room to FEEL as I am – FREE.